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Star Trek: The Next Generation--"ALIEN CONTACT" Captain's Log, supplemental: We've been cruising through space now for the last few months without even the slightest hint of action or suspense. On the other hand we have had a number of interesting character developments. Counselor Troi had to come to grip with herself when she temporarily lost her "I sense something...." abilities. Doctor Crusher had a shortlived romance with an alien humanoid who turned out to be a giant worm. Meanwhile, Commander Riker is regretting his move to undergo elective surgery to make himself look like a Klingon. Lieutenant Worf has submitted himself to his monthly painstick ritual. And Mr. LaForge has offered his hand in marriage to his holodeck girlfriend. All in all a routine week. Captain Picard sighed, rubbing his hand across his shiny head. So far, the dilithium monoxidil treatments had been ineffectual. "Captain, I sense something," said Counselor Troi, her bright red smudge-perfect lips pronounced in their stilted alien ways. "Yes, Counselor?" said Picard, sitting upright. What was it, Romulans? Cardassians? Q? "I sense you're still upset because of your failure to regain even a tiny bit of your lost hair." Picard eyed her. She herself had so much hair, 5.2 cubic feet by Commander Data's best estimates. Why was life so unfair? "No, Counselor," lied Picard. "I don't mind that Commander Riker is the handsome one on the bridge." But beads of perspiration appeared on his shiny dome. "Still, I sense great tension whenever you view the old Enterprise records, specifically those involving Captain Kirk-" Picard cut in. "Well, it's true that in the old days being handsome and dashing was something to be admired, but now we're in the 24th and a half century, where a more cerebral-" "Captain," said Lt. Worf. "Sorry to interrupt your rationalizing, sir, but I'm getting life readings from the second planet in the system ahead of us." "Of what sort?' Picard looked eager. Perhaps sentient flatworms. Or a race of robots. Whatever they were, the aliens were sure to have putty on their faces. Lots of it. "Indeterminate," Worf frowned, assuming his natural expression. He was feeling a little depressed, actually; he wasn't getting as much out of the painstick ceremony as he used to. "Are we going to explore?" said Dr. Crusher. "Yes," said Picard. "Make it... make it..." he staggered. "What's happening?" said Counselor Troi, alarmed. "I sense something from the Captain... something different!" "It's the batteries," said Crusher, bending over the fallen Captain. "When the Borg took over Captain Picard. they installed a power system to energize the red flashlight on the side of his head. Unfortunately the penlight batteries need frequent recharging-" Captain Picard attempted to sit up. "Jean-Luc, how do you feel?" asked Dr. Crusher, in a very sensitive voice. Captain Picard considered. "I am Locutus, of Borg, You will service us-" Dr. Crusher gently but firmly hit him on the head. "Oh," said Picard, blinking. "What happened? Batteries run low again?" Dr. Crusher nodded. "Did anyone notice?" "I didn't notice," said Counselor Troi. "I just thought you slipped." "Fell down," said Lt. Worf. "Could happen to anyone." "Especially older people," added Wesley. "And you, Mr. Data?" said Picard. He knew that Data never lied. The robot was taciturn. "Um...." "Data was busy looking at his console," said Troi quickly. "Captain, weren't you about to pose for the cameras and order us to head for that planet we found?" "Yes," said Picard. He stood perfect straight, arched his head, and dramatically pointed his index finger forward. "Make it so, Numba One." Will the Enterprise discover a new form of life? Will the aliens have huge globs of putty on their face? Will the Captain suddenly understand he is being patronized? Stay tuned, and find out in our next installment! ***TO BE CONTINUED*** Star Trek: The Next Generation "Alien Contact" Continued. Captains Log, supplemental: With no new alien children or periodic visit from Mrs. Troi to occupy us this week, we have taken to surveying new planetary systems. We are now coming into orbit around an unchaaarted planet that Numba One tells me has a space station in orbit. "It's like no space station I've ever seen," said Riker. Picard raised an eyebrow, representing nearly half the hair remaining on his head. "And how many have you seen, Numba One?" "I sense something," said Troi dreamily. "Something different?" said the Captain. He had learned early on to trust Troi's hunches. "Yes... different, and yet the same. I can't explain it," asid Troi. "Can she ever?" someone muttered. Captain Picard looked around for the commentator, but all eyes were averted. "Open hailing frequencies." There was a pause, and then Worf said, "No response." "Conference," said the Captain. Everyone abandoned the bridge and went into the Captain's boardroom. "We could beam aboard," said Riker. "That might offend them," said Troi. "Imagine the thought of a radically different culture suddenly appearing out of nowhere." "Well, why don't we send a shuttle," said Worf. "That would be more gradual." "They might be offended by the mere sight of us," said Troi. "If they are, for example, intelligent flatworms, imagine how repugnant we would appear to them." "I wonder how a pair of photon torpedoes would offend them," Worf muttered. "What about a class one probe, unmanned?" suggested Wesley. "What right do we have to invade their privacy?" said Troi. "Quite right, Counselor," said the Captain. "We must weigh the moral balance of this, the need to seek out new life versus alien privacy rights. Hm... Hm..." The Captain paused. He had already decided, but he wanted it to look like a thoughtful decision. "After great balancing, I've decided. Numba One, prepare the probe." When they had all filed back onto the bridge they reassumed the positions they had left abandoned. Data launched the probe. It sped towards the alien space station, and was immediately destroyed by an alien laser burst. "What do we do now?" said Riker. "Conference," said the Captain. In the boardroom Riker said, "I vote for a manned shuttle." "That might only offend them further," argued Counselor Troi. "The best thing to do now is to apologize, offer reparations for emotional distress, and be on our way." "I still think we should open fire on them," said Worf. "Yes, of course you do," said Picard patronizingly. He turned to his chief advisor. "Whoopi, share your wisdom." "Give me your palm," she said immediately. Then the room was silent for the next few mintes, except for the occasional "hm, hmm" as Whoopi studied the lines on Picard's hand. After a long time, she said, "Go with the shuttle." "But they might shoot it down," said Worf. "I'm sure as they are a sentient race, they must have a fundamental respect for all intelligent life," said Counselor Troi. "Still, to take a risk with the crew..." said Picard. "Numba One, don't we still have some old-style Enterprise security guards left in storage? Let's send two of the red shirts." The shuttle headed towards the alien space station. Picard spoke to them over the communicator. Suddenly there was a flash from the space station. "Ensigns Hulky and Beefy, watch out for the alien laser-" At that moment the shuttle blew up. "Fundamental respect for human life?" said Riker. "I'm sure this is just one big misunderstanding," said Troi. Suddenly, the alien space station opened fire on the Enterprise. The ship rocked as it was hit. Picard responded immediately. "Prepare to consider raising shields!" Worf lept to his console. "Prepared to consider raising shields," he reported. The ship was raised again. "Sir," said Worf. "I think we're going to actually have to raise them this time!" Captain Picard frowned. It was time to make another major decision. "Conference," he said. What will happen in the next conference? Will Whoopi read any more palms? Is Captain Picard really prepared to raise the shields? Find out, in the next exciting installment! ***TO BE CONTINUED*** Star Trek: The Next Generation "Alien Contact", Continued Captain's Log, Supplemental: We've just encountered an alien space station in orbit around an uncharted planet, and we're investigating. There's not much else to report--oh yes, the alien space station is firing on us. Lieutenant Worf appears especially concerned. "I still think we should fire back," said Worf. "After all, they're firing on us." The ship buckled as it was hit. "Yes, Lieutenant, but perhaps they're interpreting our presence here as a threat," said Picard. "It could all just be a misunderstanding." He put his saucer down on his arm rest. A platter of scones lay nearby. "And if Gahhk, Klingon bloodworms, had wings, they'd fly," said Worf, giving an icy stare. "Hm, fine tea, this," said Picard, raising an eyebrow. Suddenly the ship was hit again. The lights dimmed, and everyone staggered to the right. There was another jolt, and everyone staggered to the left. The Captain's tea cup, strangely enough, did not fall. "Bridge, this is 10 Forward," chimed the communicator. "Whoopi?" said Picard, struggling to get back into his chair. "Why didn't you call on my private line?" "Captain, I can't take much more of this. It's impossible to mix and serve drinks under battle conditions." Whoopi's voice had an undercurrent of stress to it. The ship buckled again. "That tears it, my primary ale replicator is down. All I'm left with are the auxiliaries." "This is serious," Picard realized. "Lieutenant Commander Wesley, give me a scan of the alien," said Picard. "It's Commander Wesley, Captain," said the young Crusher. "You promoted me again last week, don't you remember?" "We could beam an away team over," said Riker, lifting his chin. "Too risky, Numba One," said Picard. "Sir," said Data, "We still have not taken any abuse from the aliens on the planet. Perhaps if we beamed down, we might learn more about the space station." "Hm," said Picard. This was an important decision. He looked at Whoopi, who had suddenly appeared at his side. She nodded. "Quite right, Mr. Data. We'll send an Away team." The ship was hit again. "Captain, the ship is being hit!" Worf protested. Picard sighed. "Always complaining, Mr. Worf." "We're taking damage!" said Worf. Picard waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, Mr. LaForge and Data can have the ship repaired in no time." He paused. "Still, these attacks are troublesome. Perhaps we should consider raising the shields." "Captain, I would advise against," said Troi. "They might see that as further confirmation that we are hostile." "And if we did raise the shields, they might just use heavier weapons," Riker added. Troi spoke up. "Perhaps surrendering might be the appropriate-" "Nothing so rash, Counselor," said the Captain. "There will be plenty of opportunities for that later." Will Captain Picard make a decision? Will there really be as much action as reflected in the scenes for next week? Find out, in the next exciting installment! ***TO BE CONTINUED*** Star Trek: The Next Generation "Alien Contact", Conclusion Captain's Log, supplemental: We've encountered an alien planet, and Commander Riker is taking an Away Team down. Undoubtedly, I'll need to beam down later to pick up the pieces. The Away team assembled in the transporter room. "You've chosen quite a number to accompany you, Numba One," said Pciard, staring into the crowd. "My entire bridge crew, plus security guards, Whoopi the bartender, and even Chief O'Brien and his wife, Kaiko." "Yes, Captain, they all begged to come along. They felt they got no action on your ship." Riker adddressed his Away team. "We don't know what to expect down there. It could be dangerous. Everyone set phasers to 'mild rebuke'." They beamed down to a hot desert plain. Approaching them were beings with bearded ugly faces carrying bayonets. And they were clad in uniforms of the Napoleonic era. "Look, Commander!" said Worf. "They're... vicious animal things!" "Animal things?" said Riker. "This is great! We've found the home planet of the vicious animal things! Let's try to communicate!" An expendible security guard approached the animal things, but was knocked down. "Perhaps they do not understand that we are nonhostile," said Counselor Troi. An animal thing charged Riker. Data fired his phaser, which was still set to mild rebuke. The beam struck the animal thing, who stopped in his tracks, blinking. "Oh, I'm sorry," it said. "We mean you no harm," said Riker, giving a smile brimming with the goodness of milk and honey. But he quickly had to dodge, avoiding a bayonet thrust from another attacker. Suddenly, there was a crackle and a deep patrician voice came out of his chest. "Numba One, what is your status?" Riker, too busy to answer, wrestled with the vicious animal thing. "Commander Riker is attempting to establish contact with the vicious animal things," said Counselor Troi. "Good, good," came Picard's voice, almost reflexively. And then, "Vicious animal things? Have you lost your mind? Transporter Chief, beam them up immediately!" "I'm down here, sir, remember?" said O'Brien, who had been busy feeding Worf's son a small snack of rocks and pebbles. As they beamed up Counselor Troi remarked, "I sense that the Captain was perturbed by our lack of progress." Once they reached the bridge they assumed their positions. "We'll teach those animal things a thing or two," Picard vowed. "Lock phasers on target." "What?" they all yelled. "Is that really wise, sir?" said Riker, raising his chin. "Stop it!" shouted Picard. 'Stop with your arrogant poses and self-righteous moralizing." "Captain," said Whoopi, "Those who have wisdom should know when to apply it." And they all nodded in agreement. Except Picard. "Whoopi, you old fraud, you have such a talent for saying the meaningless, the obvious, and making it sound like the words of the wise. Just remember, you're the BARTENDER. If I hadn't given you a job, you'd still be on Zeta Beta Omicron II, selling pantyhose door to door!" "Captain," said Troi, "I sense something, something-" "Different," Picard completed. "I know, I know. Can't you ever say anything else? Do you think it really helps us, to repeat the same old line, again and again? Why don't you go belowdecks and put on something more decent!" He turned to Geordi. "Mr. LaForge, we'll need full power to the phaser banks." Geordi said, "Sir, I'll have to link in the primary couplings for the hypergrade enhanced conductors and-" The Captain interrupted. "In plain language, Mr. LaForge. For once in your life, speak in plain, simple language devoid of technical doubletalk that ordinary nonengineering types like myself can understand." Geordi took a deep breath, and said, "I'll just push the right button, sir." "Very good," said Picard. "Mr. Data, distance to target?" "In Belzoidian flatinches, that would be 2 million, seven hundred and forty three thousand-" "No, no, no!" said Picard. "Mr. Data, in the first season or two it was cute, but now it's starting to wear thin. I want the answer in MILES. Approximately. If you give me a figure with decimals, I'll have you dissembled." "15 miles," Data quickly squeaked. "Much better," smiled Picard. "Now-" "Captain!" said Wesley. "I just thought of a way to triple phaser output! If I could just have access to the primary circuitry-" "No Wesley!" said Picard, swinging the young lad's chair around. "We have no need for you to do anything to display your genius. You will not be required to save the ship this week. Now, prepare to fire!" "Wait!" Riker bellowed. Picard turned. "You're not Captain Picard," challenged Riker. "The real Captain Picard would never fire on an enemy ship, even one that had fired on us. The real Captain Picard would never berate the crew for all its cute qualities. And the real Captain Picard would never drive young Ensign Crusher to tears. Wet drops were starting to fall on Wesley's instrument panel. Picard loooked inquiringly at his first officer. "Then who am I?" "You're Q!" said Riker. "Now, return the captain!" 'Picard' snapped his fingers, and suddenly the real Picard appeared, and Q assumed his natural form. "Q!" said Picard, looking disoriented. "I should have known immediately, when I saw the vicious animal things," said Riker. "Chalk it up to a slow mind," chided Q. "But why?" said Riker. "Another test? A way to eliminate us by having the animal things attack?" "Not really," said Q. "I could have destroyed you and your precious ship with the flick of my finger." Q smiled. "My little finger." He continued. "I wa just bored, and wanted to have a little fun. I thought it might be amusing to set you all in your places." Q smiled. "And didn't you all squirm." "Q, leave at once!" Picard barked. "Make me," said Q mockingly. "If you don't leave," said Picard, thinking quickly, "I'll start to read Shakespeare!" "All right, I'll go," said Q quickly. "But I'll be back, if only to liven up this thoroughly dull show." He flashed, and faded. "We really showed him," said Riker, chin up and arms folded. | |||||||
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