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ST:TNG Data goes Amuck, Holodeck Goes Amuck--Much Amuck Captain's Log, Stardate Supplemental I am sitting in my quarters, playing on my musical recorder. My recorder was given to me by the aliens who kidnapped me in episode 54 (which, by the way, contrary to some records, was the second and not the third kidnapping of the fifth season). Right now I am attempting to toot along with Computer's best rendition of "Do the Hustle". The Captain's doorbell bleeped. He put the music on hold, and said, "Come." Data and Geordi stepped in. "Sorry to disturb you, Captain, but I'd like your permission to grow a beard," said LaForge. Picard frowned. "Will that interfere with main engineering functions?" "No sir, the main core should remain intact." "Very well. Make it so." And Picard turned back to his recorder. The others left, and Picard was about to return to his music, when there was another caller. It was Dr. Crusher. Picard was surprised to see her without her blue bathrobe, at least until he remembered that the replicators were currently in laundry cycle until 0900. "Captain, we're doing a play about the Elephant Man, and we'd like you to have a major role-" Always blathering about her little skits. "Computer," said Picard, without looking up. "Engage Transporter sequence, Picard program 1." There was a hum, and then Crusher, speechless, was beamed out of his quarters. Picard grinned; he really enjoyed site-to-site beaming. He was about to return to his child's toy when there was another intruder. Lieutenant Worf. "Yes, Lieutenant," said Picard wearily. He hoped it wasn't about that physical fitness program. "Sir, it's about my physical fitness program," said Worf. "It would really benefit the crew to do a few dozen knuckle pushups every morning-" "Mr. Worf, this is the 24th and a half century," said Picard. "Even the space militry is kinder and gentler. We simply do not do that sort of thing any longer." "Father, take me to the holodeck! You promised!" Worf sighed. "Alexander, I am busy. I have to... clean my wicked semi-circular sword." "Aw, it's spotless. And you promised!" Worf sighed. "Did you keep your end of the bargain?" "I did, I did!" Not taking his son's word for it, Worf carefully surveyed the floor. Sure enough, there were no tell-tale stains on the carpet. The only waste products of any sort were neatly dumped on the newspaper in the corner. "Oh, very well." "So what do you hope to accomplish?" said Data, looking puzzled. "By hooking up your brain to the ship's computer-" "Geordi, I was not referring to the computer link. I was referring to your feeble attempts to grow facial hair." Geordi sighed. "Well, it's just that I'm getting tired of my holodeck girlfriends, and I could do with some of the real thing. So I thought about Commander Riker, and I figured-" "I see," said Data. "But I have had relationships, and I have no facial hair. So has Captain Picard. So has Wesley. So has 98%-" "The computer link is established," Geordi interrupted. "Data, do you notice anything funny?" "No, why?" "Because there's smoke coming out of your ears." Geordi checked the instrument panels. "I have you hooked up to all the ship's systems... but I think something's wrong. Data, try to dim the lights in this corridor." Data twitched, and suddenly it began to rain in main engineering. "No... that's not right...." On the holodeck, Worf and Alexander were confronted by Data in a wild west costume. But it was an evil, mean Data programmed to kill. And he had stylish facial hair. "So you say that part of Data is now in the ship's computer?" said Picard. "Yes," said Geordi. "That's why the replicators are only producing a oil-based lubricant compound." "A bedtime snack," explained Data. "That would also explain why the video monitors are all displaying compromsing pictures of Tasha Yar," said Picard, hm-hming. "So, how do we fix it?" "Well... we could take the secondary osilators off-line, and calibrate it to the new wavelength-" "Fine, fine," said Picard. He turned to go. "Make it so. Oh, and do remember to translate an English language version of what you just said for the log." Captain's Log, stardate supplemental: The main computer has been repaired. Oh, and there was some minor bother in the holodeck, but I was much too busy to attend to that.... | ||||||||
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