science fiction

Star Trek: The Next Generation
Captain's Log, supplemental: While pursuing time
travelers from the future who have been naughtily
zapping humans from Earth's cliche past, I have
become stuck here in a cave in 19th Century Earth
with Guinan and Data's head. I was surprised to
find that even when Guinan was 500 years younger,
she still had no eyebrows.
    "Are you huuurt?" said Picard gently,
betraying his anglo/french accent.
    "Uh-uh," said Whoopi, sitting up. "You say I
met you, 500 years in the future? Tell me about
it."
    "Well," said Picard. "It was at the
beginning of the second season. We had just
convuuurted one of the old phaser banks into a
lounge, renamed 10-Forward. But we needed a
baaartendar."
    "A what?" said Whoopi.
    "A baaartendar," said Picard.
    "What's that?" said Whoopi, genuinely
puzzled.
    Picard paused. "It's a person who suuurves
drinks-"
    "Oh, you must mean a BARTENDER," said Whoopi,
brightening.   "I see."
    Picard made a face. "Yes. Quite." He
continued. "I interviewed a numbar of
candidates--a rogue Romulan, a left handed
Ferengi, Mrs. Troi, Q... and then there was you.
You convinced me you were overqualified for the
job."
    "How?"
    "You had an extensive resume," said Picard.
"You had most recently served as a bouncer in the
cantina from "Star Wars". But then you tuuurned
to the replicator, and said, 'Tea. Herbal grade.
Hot.' And I was simply astonished. But all you
said was, 'I also read palms.'" And that
convinced me that you were the best candidate for
this vital post."
    "Go on, go on."
    "You go on to become one of my most trusted
advisers--even more important than Riker.
Although you do have a tendency to undercut your
credibility by wearing silly gowns and hats--but
the crew never cuts you down, at least, not in
front of you." Picard paused for a moment, and
picked up Data's head, which lay discarded on the
ground. He opened a compartment, and started
fiddling with it.
    "What're you doing?" Whoopi asked curiously.
    "I'm leaving a message for the crew, in the
future. They may be tempted to use weapons to
destroy the alien cave, and we can't have any of
that."
MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE....
    "So the aliens were draining the humility out
of those poor people, and feeding on it," said Dr.
Crusher.
    "No wonder their beam had no effect on
Commander Riker," said Jordee, who was busy
fiddling with Data's head.
    "What're you doing?" said Crusher. "That
head is over 500 years old. You can't seriously
believe-"
    "The main circuitry is intact," said Jordee.
"I just need to replace these Double AA dilithium
alkaline batteries...."
    Suddenly, Data jerked. "Weapons..." he said.
"Fire... weapons... no...."
    "It's a message, from Captain Picard!" said
Dr. Crusher excitedly. "He wants us to know to
fire the weapons!"....
"How Picard first met Guinan"
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