***Parody #9 Morning in Section
Morning in Section
Have you ever wondered how Section gets up in the morning?
George groaned in bed as he put the ringing phone to his ear. It was Center, with his activation code.
"Preparation H, Love" came Mik's voice.
Operations was just getting out of bed when his phone rang. It was George with his activation phrase. "Waddle walk."
Madeline was actually in the shower, with soap in one hand and a gun in the other, when Operations called. She looked at her hands, and made a quick decision, putting the soap down to reach the phone.
"Jelly Tush," came Operation's voice.
"For the 1000th time, I want a new codename," said Madeline. "And no, I don't believe you had a computer pick it at random."
Birkoff was still yawning in bed when Madeline's call came.
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle," came her voice.
Quinn was just deciding what kind of go-go boots to wear that day when her phone rang. "Slimfast," came Operation's voice.
Walter's phone rang; picking it up, he heard a single word, "Geritol."
Michael picked up the phone. Operation's voice spoke. "Grey Poupon."
"I understand," Michael whispered.
***************************************
"Michael, I want you to kill an eastern european terrorist who frequents a special club where women wrestle each other in the water," said Operations.
"We could just send a team in," Michael whispered.
"No, I want this done artistically," said Operations. "Just you and Nikita. Quinn will have all the details you need."
They made their way over to Quinn's station. They saw plates of all different kinds of food--cakes, meats, pasta, soups--on the table housing her workstation.
"Whot have yew got thair?" Nikita asked.
Quinn grimaced. "When Operations saw me in a tight sweater, he insisted that medical have a look at me. They prescribed unnecessary medication."
"Whot medication?"
"Food, three times a day," said Quinn. She handed them disks. "Michael, you will pose as a wealthy pervert with sophisticated tastes. Nikita, you will pose as a prostitute who would like to have her body exploited in more creative ways."
"Ooh, why dew aye olways have to beah the strippah?" said Nikita.
"Nikita," Michael.
"Yes?" said Nikita.
"Nakita," said Michael.
"Yes?" said Nikita again.
"Nakitah," said Michael.
"Whot es it, Mikol?"
"Nothing," Michael whispered. "I'm just retuning my accent. Like a fine musical instrument, it occasionally requires recalibration."
Nikita lets herself get captured and put together with other women who are to be forced to fight each other in the pool while Michael poses as a rich pervert.
His guest asks Michael if he wants a drink. He stares at the bar; but instead of bottles of alcohol, he sees a large number of fishtanks.
"I'll have two goldfish, on the rocks," Michael whispers.
Meanwhile, Nikita is getting in touch with the prisoners.
In a candlelit room a young girl was sobbing. "I thought I was only going to be used for large quantities of anonymous sex!" she sobbed. "I never imagined anything as horrible as this!"
"Thayre thayre," said Nikita, giving the sobbing girl a hug.
But that only launched a waterfall of tears from the other girls. "Ooh, you're hugging her?" "What about me?" they cried, also pining for some TLC from Nikita.
Later, when Nikita was briefly able to meet Michael, Michael whispered, "Your part is accomplished. You can evacuate now."
"Noah," said Nikita. "Aye want to stay. Something moar is going on hear than wimen fighting in a pool."
"It's not our concern," said Michael, his eyes flickering to the right.
"Whot about the wimen?" said Nikita. "I wont to stay and heylp them."
"Do you remember the last time you wanted to extend a mission?" Michael whispered. "They stripped you nude and took one of your eggs."
"Mikol-"
"From the afteraction report, I saw that several men tried 40 or 50 times repeatedly to remove your egg, each using a long, organic, invasive tool, going faster and faster with every attempt-"
"Mikol, don't yew care about these prostitutes?" Nikita asked.
"Why?" Michael whispered. "Will I get to sleep with them?"
"They're wimen," said Nikita. "And aye haven't had this kind of opportunity to bond with my kind since yew shot a hole in Carla's head."
Later, Nikita is forced to fight another woman in the arena.
"Where's the pool?" said Nikita, strapping on her shower cap and adjusting her bikini.
"There is no pool," said the bald, eastern european terrorist of the week. "Not for you. That is only one of a wide range of killer sports we use. Our clients wanted more... variety. So you two will fight in a deadlier arena. For this event you will attempt to kill each other with... ping pong paddles!"
Nikita and her opponent were given oversized ping pong paddles. They circled each other cautiously, each lunging or feinting attacks.
"Ow!" Nikita cried, as her opponent's paddle smacked her on the bottom.
In a room above, Michael watched dispationately as Nikita got paddled again. Even from this distance he could see her buttocks turning red. "When, Birkoff?"
"Not yet," said Birkoff, watching the image on the screen. "I'm having too much fun."
"What?"
"Uh, I mean the profile isn't ready yet, or something," said Birkoff.
The woman got in a few more wacks at Nikita, always hitting her in the butt.
"Fight back, Nakitah," said Michael.
"Aye caun't," Nikita whispered, as she got paddled again. "She's a fellow gurl!"
"Think of the shell, Nakitah," Michael whispered into her earphones.
Nikita suddenly thought of the shell, and her girl opponent suddenly turned into a vicious old Chinese guy before her eyes. She instantly became crazed, swinging her paddle wildly.
When the mist cleared from her eyes, Nikita found her opponent in her lap, face down, sobbing hysterically as her bottom turned bright red.
Suddenly the cruel male armed guards appeared. "Finish her off!" they ordered.
Nikita got up and killed the guards with her paddle. Then she handed her paddle to the other girl. "You must use the paddle for good now, not evil."
The girl nodded, instantly reformed.
"Michael, you can go now," came Birkoff's voice.
Michael, who had been snacking on some French cheese and crackers, quickly downed the last of his wine, got up, shot the terrorist, and decided to call it a day.
"Although you disobeyed orders, you did well," said Madeline.
"And the wimen?"
"All safe and sound, back to enriching thousands of paying men with anonymous sex," said Madeline.
"Whot a relief," said Nikita. "It's horrible for hookars to die like goldfish. It's great to knauw that they can once again spread their legs in safety."
"That will be all, Nikita," Madeline said..
THE END
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