*** Parody #8 La Femme Nikita's Body Double
Cat and Mouse Parody
Nikita notices that everyone in section is looking different.
"Whot's going on, Waltar?"
"What do you mean, Sugar?" said Walter, looking around for where he had put his teeth.
"Everyone looks defferent. Operations has bright white hayre, Madeline has a cruwcut, and that new guy, Davenport, is totally bald!"
"They were early volunteers for the Gelman hair control project," said Walter.
"Gelman project?"
"Hair control experiments," said Walter. "The idea was to give everyone hair as luxuriant and silky as Michael's. Well, it didn't quite work out that way."
"That's horrible," said Nikita. "Who would volunteer for such a thing?"
"Don't knock it until you're in our shoes, Sugar." By way of explanation, Walter shifted his bandana. His ponytail shifted with it.
Somewhere in a horse farm on northern England, a horse without a tail pranced around....
Nikita is sent in to persaude Michael's wife, Elena, to get together with her terrorist daddy. Elena, feeling she can trust Nikita, quickly shares her feelings.
"Michael is such a GREAT lover, Nikita," said Elena. "I mean, I'm almost embarrassed to talk about it, but he's so good in bed! And he can go for hours and hours without stopping!"
"Um, yeah," said Nikita, looking pale.
"You can only IMAGINE the size of his unit-"
"Uh," said Nikita, feeling distinctly sick.
"And he's such a gentle lover," said Elena. "He kisses me all over, gently on my brow-"
"While caressing your hayre?" said Nikita, looking like she was about to vomit.
"Yes, how did you know?" said Elena.
Nikita is saved by the sudden appearance of Michael's son, Adam. He was dressed in tight black pants, a black turtleneck and a black jacket. His hair was slicked back and was quite long in the back, sticking out around his ears.
"Adam, aren't you supposed to be in bed?" said Elena.
"Yes," the boy whispered softly.
"Did you brush your teeth?" Elena asked.
"No," the boy whispered.
"Then go do it!"
The boy looked past her right shoulder. "I understand," he whispered, turning to go.
"That boy," said Elena. "He's looking more and more like Michael every day, isn't he? He's even starting to prance when he walks!"
"Excuse me, do you have a barf bag?" Nikita asked.
Later, after they kill Elena's Daddy, Nikita gets sent on another mission to check out an abandoned warehouse. But unknown to her it was a trap; she gets captured by a European terrorist who replaces her with a body double who looks and sounds exactly like her.
"So we met again," said the terrorist. "I enjoyed torturing you with rats, but this will be better." He had Nikita on a dog collar with a long leash. In the center of a room was a TV where they could watch "Abby", her double.
"She's exactly like you in every way," said the terrorist. "It took years to prepare her. Two months for body surgery, another two months for facial surgery-"
"Aye thought you said it took years?" said Nikita.
"-and another two years to get the accent down right," said the terrorist. "And now you will guide us into Section, telling her how to behave and act."
"And if aye don't?"
"Abby, hold up the vial," said terrorist. Abby held up a red vial.
"Whot is it?"
"A defoliant. She'll put it in Michael's shampoo if you don't cooperate."
Abby sauntered around section. She had just gotten some secrets out of Birkoff by giving him some sex in the Section restroom. She sauntered up to Waltar.
"What's wrong, Sugar?"
"Wrong?" said Abby.
"This is the third time I've seen you today, and you're still wearing the same clothes and have the same hairdo," said Walter.
"I, uh, haven't had time to change," said Abby.
Nikita, in the terrorist hideout, said, "I forgot to mention, I, ah, change my look frequently. I usually wear conservative clothes in the morning, everyday assassinwear in the afternoon, and slutty clothes with heavy mascara in the evenings."
Meanwhile, Operations was noticing something was wrong. "Our last team we sent out to check out an abandoned building was ambushed! They were all killed, several of them a few weeks ahead of schedule! We have a leak here! Any ideas?"
"I did notice Nikita having sex with Mr. Birkoff in the bathroom earlier," said Madeline.
"And didn't you think that was odd enough to mention?" said Operations.
"I just thought she was going through a phase," Madeline shrugged.
Operations turned to Michael. "Get to the bottom of this. Do whatever you have to--hair caressing, hand dance action, whatever--but I want a resolution to this soon."
"Yes," Michael whispered.
Back at Nikita's apartment, Abby and Michael are making out. Abby puts her spy glasses down so the terrorist and Nikita can watch.
"This must be painful for you to watch," leered the terrorist.
"No, actually, this is a lot like when I had to watch Michael and Elena go at it," said Nikita.
"They made you watch?"
"Madeline said it would help build character."
"Well, I have bigger plans for you," the terrorist leered. "I think you would be prime breeding stock to create a new group of operatives."
"Breeding stock?" said Nikita.
"We're going to take some of your eggs and genetically engineer them to create race of beautiful and slender killing women," said the terrorist.
"How are you going to take my eggs?" said Nikita.
"We have a special extracting tool."
One of the terrorist guards came forward. He held a condom in his hand which had a little plastic scoop on one end. As Nikita watched in horror, he started to unzip his fly....
Suddenly, Section operatives came flying down the wall on ropes and killed everyone.
Later, back at Section, Nikita asked, "So how did yew knauw she was an impostar? She seemed to master oll my moves soah well!"
"Very simple," said Madeline. "She clearly had a Melbourne Accent."
"Soah?
"You clearly have a Sydney accent," said Madeline. "So whereas she would say 'I knauw', you would say 'I knauw'. It all has to do with the use of the tongue-"
"It oll sounds the sayme to me," said Nikita. She turned to Michael. "How did you know she wasn't me?"
Michael looked evasively over her shoulder. "Let's just say that there were also other uses of her tongue that she didn't quite duplicate....."
THE END
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