La Femme Nikita Parody #7 - Adrian's Weeds
Adrian's Weeds - La Femme Nikita Parody
Operations and Madeline were sitting and having a charmingly domestic breakfast, discussing who to cancel over cantaloupe and cornflakes.
"What about Jurgen?" said Operations. "We haven't killed anyone whose name starts with a 'J' in a while."
"We killed Jurgen last year," said Madeline.
"That's right," said Operations. "You know, I could think better if we could discuss this tonight, over dinner in the Tower."
"Let's not reopen things," said Madeline.
"Didn't you already reopen things during our last visit to the tower?" said Operations.
"No," said Madeline calmly. "I simply reopened my legs. It was distracting for you, so I slept with you to improve efficiency and unit cohesion."
"And believe me, my unit is a lot more cohesive because of it," said Operations, as he frisked her thighs under the table with his foot. He raised a dish. "Some more passion fruit, tomato lips?"
Meanwhile Nikita is drugged and kidnapped by Carla and the two identical twins from the movie "Hudson Hawk".
She wakes up to find herself wearing only a silk shirt and silver underwear, and her feet are handcuffed.
"All right, Mikol, is this your idea of fun?" she said, raising her voice. But then Carla came in, and Nikita remembered what happened. She tells Nikita to get dressed
As Nikita does, she notices a rip in her bra.
"We removed your tracking device, dear," said a prune faced old woman who suddenly appeared at the door. "Ever since your last venture, Operations has had tracking devices put into all your pushup bras. They know very well what you wear when you go out for a night on the town."
She explains that her name is Adrian and she wants Nikita's help to overthrow section.
"Why mae?" said Nikita.
"We Brits have to stick togethar," said Adrian.
"Aym Australian," said Nikita.
"Close enough," said Adrian.
When Nikita returned, she told Michael her cover story. "I was taken captive by some of your former friends from that French terrorist group you used to belong to, Le Menage a Trois. They were trying to get even for the death of your friend Renee."
Michael immediately had a flashback to his long haired hippie friend. The last time he had seen Renee, he was repeating the same phrase, over and over, which still haunted Michael to this day: "Vera Shacka, Doray Voo? Vera Shacka, Doray Voo? Vera Shacka, Doray Voo?" To this day Michael still had no idea what he was talking about, because of Renee's gutteral Marsailles accent.
Snapping back to the present, Michael whispered, "I find it hard to believe they could have found you."
Nikita stared back at him. "And I find it hard to believe that some men are named Renee."
Adrian gave Nikita her first assignment; to go into a secret area of section and burn some top secret data on a CD. Nikita goes to a classified level and sees a slot, and puts the CD into it.
"You want the jukebox file, dear," came Adrian's voice in her ear, munching on some tea and scones.
Nikita pressed some buttons, and burned the CD. "What now?"
"Now go down the corridor. You'll see a bank of ATM's. Enter the following keynumbers."
Nikita did so. "What now?"
"Withdraw $200."
"What?"
"I forgot to go to the bank today," said Adrian. "Since you're there, you might as well kill two birds with one stone."
When Nikita returned with the data, Adrian said, "Would you like to review it with me?"
Nikita nodded. But to her surprise, instead of putting the CD into the computer, Adrian put it into her CD player. The tunes of Celine Dion came out of the speakers.
Nikita winced.
"Horrible, isn't it?" said Adrian. "The CD is full of it--New Kids on the Block, Jennifer Lopez, Seal, even Eddie Murphy's lost single."
"Whot's it all about?" said Nikita. "I thought this was about Operation's plans to dominate the world!"
"It is," said Adrian. "The world of music. Operations already has enough money and power to satisfy him, but what's worse is that he now considers himself an artist, and is trying to control the musical tastes of the planet. Consider that last year Operations controlled 5% of the music labels and 9% of the artists. And it gets worse. In five years I project he'll even control the Grammies."
Nikita gave a haunted look as her phone rang. She was being called back to Section.
"Someone has broken into the ATM on Level 10 and stolen cash," said Operations. "That level of betrayal is unacceptable. Have everyone interrogated, especially Nikita. Have Michael run her through a thorough hair caressing interrogation."
"We already know it was Nikita who broke in," said Madeline. "She's working in deep undercover for us to trap Adrian, remember? Continuing to grill our operatives is pointless and sadistic."
"Yes," said Operations. "And I'm putting you in charge of the interrogations."
Michael dropped by to Nikita's apartment.
"I can't protect you anymore," he whispered.
"Aye never asked yew to protect me," she said.
"If I hadn't, you would already be dead," said Michael. "Or worse, still shacked up with Jurgen."
He started to caress her hair lovingly, while Nikita's theme piano music played gently in the background. "Where is the jukebox file?"
"Aye don't knauw."
Michael picked up a brush and started lovingly brushing her hair.
"Where is the ATM receipt?"
"Aye don't knauw," said Nikita again.
Michael rubbed Nikita's hair with shampoo and conditioners.
"Where is Adrian?"
"Aye don't knauw," said Nikita yet again.
Michael put Nikita's hair in curlers and blew on it with a hairdryer.
"Where are the 'Hudson Hawk' twins?"
Nikita lowered her voice two octaves so she sounded deeply sincere. "Aye don't knauw."
"Then there's nothing more I can do for you," said Michael, holding up a mirror to show the results of his work.
Back at Section Operations asked, "Do you think Nikita is the traitor?"
"Yes," Michael whispered. "Do you plan on canceling her?"
"Why do you ask?"
"If you do, can I get to keep the hair?"
Adrian was captured. Carla was shot in the head, and the Hudson Hawk twins were killed. Adrian was brought in cuffs to Operations and Madeline.
"Madeline, I see we're still buying our stockings at KMart," said Adrian sweetly.
"Adrian, you haven't aged a day since you turned sixty," said Madeline sweetly.
"I like your makeup, dear; can you tell me which drugstore you buy it at?"
"Meow, rah!" said Operations, smiling. "No need for a catfight, girls, it's all over."
"Noah it's naut," said Nikita. "I made another copy of the Jukebox file. Unless I give a signal, the whole world will learn about the terrible music you're pushing on it."
Operations glared at her.
"You endorse all this terrible music, why?"
Operations sighed. He pushed a button, and Celine Dion's picture came on the screen. "You're right. We do control Celine Dion, and New Kids, and Paula Abdul. But we only use them to prevent even worse music from taking over the scene. Here are some of our projections." A map of the world appeared on the screen. "Without our support, in two years rap music takes over north and south america." Both regions became black. "In five years, we estimate that country music will take Europe by storm, flooding out all other decent alternatives." On the map, Europe turned back. "By year 10, everyone in four continents will be listening to elevator music and liking it." More of the globe turned black.
"Don't listen to him, Nikita," said Adrian. "There is good music out there, good music by solid British artists. Don't let this burgeois American dictate the world's taste."
Nikita, looking pained, turned to Michael. "Mikol, any advice?"
Michael looked expressionless. "Just listen to the music you've heard with your own ears. The smooth, easy going van music; the innovative techno music when we storm the underground tunnels; your gentle piano theme... in your own mind, has the music section created been better than the music it's shut down?"
"Yes," said Nikita. She made a phone call, and spoke a codephrase. "Right Said Fred, Mik."
"-too sexy by faaar," came the answering voice. "You know, love, I have a feeling that's going to be the official theme song of center, this time next year."
"Goodbye, Mik." She hung up.
"So while I thought I was using Nikita to spy on you, you were using her to trap me," said Adrian.
"Correct."
"Actually, I was spying for center while I was working for Operations to trap you," said Nikita.
"That's not quite true, sugar," said Walter.
"Oh, yes," said Nikita. "I was spying on Center for Walter while I was working for Operations to trap Adrian."
Birkoff cleared his throat.
"Wait, almost forgot," said Nikita. "I was spying on Walter for Birkoff who was using me to spy on Center while Operations was using me to get to Adrian. And then of course there was Jurgen and Red Cell-"
The End
|
