****Parody #5 - La Femme Nikita - Michael's Girlfriend
"The target got away," said Michael, to a glowering Operations.
"Why?" said Operations.
"He spotted us," said Michael. "It might have had something to do with the fact that we were all wearing dark coats and Rayban dark glasses. They may look cool, but they don't do much to keep us inconspicuous."
"That can't be helped. Oversight has worked out an endorsement contract with Rayban, and George says we have to do the product placement," said Operations.
He changed the subject. "On other matters, we've been reviewing your performance record. You've been slacking off."
"How so?" Michael whispered.
"You took three whole days to bed the last woman we sent you to seduce. That's a waste of resources," said Operations. "Can't you bed them any quicker?"
"The mission profile was skewed," Michael whispered. He had no idea what that meant, but that usually seemd to get him off the hook.
"I think it was your hair," snapped Operations. "Sometimes when it's shaggy and sticking out of the sides you look like an apeman! Are you still using that level five hairdresser?"
"We have a new mission for you, to seduce one of our operatives," said Madeline. An imagine of a woman with short, spikey red hair appeared on the screen. "Her name is Andrea. Seduce her, sleep with her, break her heart."
"Why?" Michael whispered.
"We have had only four suicides and mental breakdowns among our operatives this month," said Operations. "We're not meeting our quota of self-inflicted casualties to weed out the deadwood, and George is breathing down my neck to make quota."
Michael nodded, turning to go.
"And Michael, before you go," said Madeline. "Use my hairdresser. He's level ten, and does a great jobs with bangs."
As Michael walked out, he heard Operations say, "Now, where were we? Oh yes, breaking the operatives who may have claustraphobia or fear of rodents-"
They prepared for a mission. As usual, Nikita had questions.
"Mikol, why is that woman with the spikey red hayre coming with us?"
"She will pose as a security guard while we capture the eastern european terrorist of the week," Michael whispered.
"So a woman with short, bright red spikey red hayre is going to pose as a security gard?"
"Yes," Michael whispered. "Any other questions?"
"Just one. Why is it I olways wear loose shiny leather pants, but you ware tight ballet leggings?"
"It gives me exceptional tipeytoe balance and lets me prance around in combat," Michael whispered.
They went on the mission. Michael and Nikita retrieved the terrorist while Andrea stood guard in the lobby, pretending to be a security guard. But when Michael and Nikita dragged the body out, they saw a pile of civilian bodies in front of Andrea on the ground.
"They didn't belev someone wit my hair could be a garrrrd," said Andrea, holding a smoking gun.
Later, Michael tries to hit on Andrea.
"Would you like to go out for dinner?"
"No," she said.
"A cup of coffee?"
"No."
"Crackers, then?"
"No."
"How about we split a peanut, then?" Michael whispered.
"Why you want to go out wit me?" said Andrea.
"I want to learn more about you and your hairstylist," said Michael. "Also, we can have pleasure."
Nikita, loitering nearby, felt her tongue drop out of her mouth.
"There it no such ting as pleasur in Section."
"It's as real as we make it," said Michael, giving a typical Michael answer. He reached out to carefully touch her hair, but had to avoid wincing when he got a papercut on one of the jagged edges.
"Vat kind of pleasur?"
"Physical... steamy... passionate...French pleasure..." said Michael.
Nikita was gasping for breath on the ground. Walter, spotting the body, quickly pressed the intercom. "Call medical, we need CPR here right away!"
"All right," said Andrea. "Ve will go out. But only for one cracker."
Ten minutes later, Andrea and Michael are in bed.
"That was quick," said Andrea.
"We only ate one cracker," Michael whispered.
"That's not vat I mean," said Andrea. "So vhy are you attracted mit me?"
"Maybe because of your great command of the English language. I've already picked up a number of new pronounciations from you I didn't know I was doing wrong," Michael whispered.
"What's mit Nikita? Did you love her?"
Michael whispered, "Nikita was the past. You are today."
"And tomorrow?"
Michael quickly made a cell phone call. A second cell phone rang and Michael picked it up. "Gouda," said Michael, speaking his codename into one phone, and hearing the same word come out of the other.
"Sorry, I've been called in," Michael whispered.
Meanwhile, in the Tower, Operations is stroking Madeline's body. "That was a real turn on!" he said, watching Michael at work on hidden video.
"Perhaps we should lock Nikita in the white room, paste her eyelids open, and have her watch the tape, and require her to give a comparative report on Michael's style and technique," said Madeline, wearing her dominatrix outfit. "It might cause her some further mental anguish."
"You think so?" said Operations. "You always get the best ideas when you're wearing leather!"
One hour later Michael dumps Andrea.
"Why mit you do this?" says Andrea.
"I was investigating you on Operations' behalf," Michael whispered.
"Why?"
"We suspected that you were an inadequate lover. We had to be sure," Michael whispered.
"So it was all a job?"
"Yes."
"And you have no feelings for me?"
Michael paused a long while, fishing for something good to say. "I respect your hair," he said finally.
Later, Andrea was in Nikita's apartment. "We must get Michael and crush him into a little ball!"
Suddenly, Nikita's phone rings. "Chosepheen," said the deep unshaven voice.
Then Andrea's phone rings, and she receives her code phrase. "And the Pussycats," said the same deep voice.
As they prepared for their next mission, Madeline and Operations were watching in the perch. "This is probably the part where she'll try to kill Michael."
"I know," said Operations. "Pass the popcorn, please?"
Nikita and Michael, wearing absolutely no protective clothing, infiltrated a bioweapons lab and set explosives to destroy it. One guard had a gun aimed and raised at Michael. Michael slowly raised his pistol and shot the guard before he could fire. Another guard froze in the aiming position, apparently looking for his trigger, until Michael shot him too.
"They can never get the firing part down right," Michael whispered.
On their way out Andrea sabotaged the doors and Nikita had to get them open again. As they left, other guards opened fire on them, breaking containers containing anthrax and biowarfare germs all around them, which splashed on their hair and jackets.
After they got out Nikita whined, "Mikol, I have anthrax in my hayre!"
"Don't worry," Michael whispered. "You can use my special shampoo."
Back at Section, Operations told Nikita. "We have canceled Andrea."
"Whot's it really all about?" said Nikita.
"We were never specifically testing Andrea," said Operations. "We just wanted to see how many women Michael could drive mad by loving them and leaving them. He's working his way through the ladies in Systems even as we speak."
"Did you expect me to repoart what aye knew?"
"Of course," said Operations. "We've been watching you very closely, Nikita. Especially your thighs and buttocks. In fact, we've made tapes of your exercise sessions and Oversight has syndicated it to all the sections."
As Nikita defiantly walked out, Madeline approached. "Do you think we have messed with her mind enough for the day?"
"No," said Operations. "Find out if she's attracted to Michael; if she is, arrange for Michael to spurn her."
"And if she's not?"
"Then arrange for Michael to come on to her," said Operations. "That should keep her on her toes."
The End
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