******************** Second Hysterical La Femme Nikita Parody
The Second Hysterical Le Femme Nikita Parody
"Birkoff, what are you reading?" Michael whispered. He,
Nikita and his team were standing in different corners of a
typical LFN euro-trashy disco. With their dark glasses and
dark leather jackets they were very inconspicuous.
"Just a moment," came Birkoff's nerdy voice. "I'm getting
several hostiles in the field, some in the woods, some in
the trees, one with a bazooka--I think there's also a
tank."
"Birkoff, turn awf your bloody computar gayme, we're in a
disco, naut ay forest!" Nikita hissed.
"Oh, sorry, wrong panel,"came his voice. Then "You're
clear."
"Go," Michael whispered, using another 10% of his precious
dialogue for this episode.
The team drew guns and rushed forward, just as guys in red
cell standard issue berets and army fatigues appeared out
of nowhere and started firing. Michael, walking and moving
very slowly, shot at the red cell guards as he casually
walked from room to room.
He sauntered into one room with armed hostiles, and
casually raised his gun and fired it before the hostiles
had time to get a round off.
He went into another room with three hostiles armed with
submachine guns. He casually looked at his watch, checked
his pants pockets to make sure he had the keys to the van,
had a quick cell phone call with Operations,
and then looked up and fired at the red cell operatives,
killing them all before they had a chance to fire back.
Supremely bored by now, Michael sat down in a swivel chair,
put on a blindfold, and wheeled himself in the next room,
firing in every direction.
By the time Nikita and the expendable extras caught up with
him he had captured the Eastern European terrorist they
were after.
"Withdraw," Michael whispered. He glanced at his profile.
Good. He would only have to say four more words before the
mission was over.
************************
When they got back to the van, Nikita shed her dark
glasses. "Aym confused," she said.
Michael stared woodenly ahead.
"Aye understand why we ware dark glasses and dark leather
jackets, they look really cool," said Nikita. "But what aye
don't understand is why we olways use this beeg black van
on messions--isn't it ay bit conspecuous?"
Michael stared blankly ahead.
"You won't get an answer out of him, sugar," said Walter,
who, like a collie that never gets to go anywhere, had come
along just for the ride. "He's already spoken most of his
allotment for the day. I happen to know that the van is
surplus--it used to be Scooby Doo's Mystery Machine until
Section picked it up surplus and painted it black."
******************
Back at the Section, Operations was saying, "I'm here to
talk to you about this mission."
"And does rubbing my shoulders contribute to the discussion
of this profile?" said Madeline, giving a little smile as
she noticed the locations of his hands.
"I just thought we should relax a bit," said Operations.
"Maybe over dinner."
"I'm not programmed to think romance, Paul," said Madeline.
"Remember, I was the test subject for the Gelman mind
control experiment."
"I think it was a bit too successful," Operations opined.
********************
Back at section Nikita stopped Michael.
"Mikol, would you lyke to go out for dinnar?" Nikita asked.
Michael just stared blankly ahead.
"Should I take that fore a yes aw a noah?"
"I can't afford to have you as a weakness, Nikita," he
whispered.
"Awl right, I'll go with Jurgen," she said, sauntering off.
********************
Madeline entered the interrogation chamber wearing a low
cut black dress. She smiled seductively at their torture
victim of the week. Operations, noticing this on the
monitor, frowned and made a mental note of it.
********************
"So tell me Jurgen, how is it that sometimes yew have a
strong brooklyn dockworker's accent, but other tymes yew
don't?" Nikita asked. They were in a restaurant enjoying a
candlelight dinner.
"We all... have... different sides to ourselves..." said
Jurgen, speaking with difficulty.
"And why is it all yew senior guys--you and Mikol--have
difficulty spitting out a full sentence? Is it like the
Planet of the Apes where Section has cut out the speech
centars of your brain?"
"We du... what we have to du," said Jurgen, speaking
thickly in brooklyneese.
"And whot's with the one day of unshaven stubble yew
constantly have on your fayce?" Nikita asked. "How deau yew
and Mikol keep your facial hair constantly at a level of
one day's beard growth, but never clean shaven?" She paused
but didn't wait for an answer. "Yew know what aye think?
Aye think yew deau it just to be tough. And aye think
that's a quite a turn-on."
Nikita leans over to kiss him, but suddenly her phone
rings.
"Chosepheen," says a barely audible voice.
When Nikita returns to section she heads straight to
Michael's office. "Yew called?"
"Wrong number," Michael whispered. Then, as an
afterthought, "Sorry."
But Nikita was prepared for this. She had brought Jergen
back to section with her. They started making out in an
unused torture chamber. Every five minutes Michael would
buzz her on her cell phone, and when she crossed the hall
to see him, every five minutes Michael would give a
different excuse for calling her.
"Sorry, I meant to call someone else."
"Have you seen my glasses?"
"What's on television tonight?"
"Have you seen my black turtleneck?"
Finally Nikita exploded, "You're already wearing it! Leave
me aloyne!"
************************
"She spurned him," said Operations, watching from the
perch.
"Ooooh," said Madeline excitedly, pursing her lips. Then,
"Did you see the message we received from George?"
"What?"
"He did an efficiency analysis and found that we spend 42%
of our time watching Michael and Nikita but only 38% of the
time fighting Red Cell."
"Oooh, look, she's heading out with Jurgen," said
Operations, pointing.
************************
Several hours later Nikita returned to her apartment after
a steamy evening at Jurgen's apartment. She was just
getting ready for bed when there was a ring at her door. It
was Mik.
"I'm too sexy for my bod," Mik sung as he came in.
"It's layte, whot do you want, Mik?" said Nikita.
"...too sexy by far!" said Mik. "Just wondering if I could
borrow a cup of sugar, love."
"At 2 AM?" Nikita grumbled, going to a cabinet in the
kitchen.
"I'm too sexy for Milan-" Mik sung.
Nikita handed him the sugar.
"New York and Japan," Mik sung. Then he said, "Just one
more thing love. Could I borrow your rug?"
Nikita, sighing, nods.
"Could you just roll it up for me?"
Mik continues to sing as Nikita rolls it up. "I'm too sexy
for my car-"
Nikita finishes rolling up for the rug. But then Mik asks
for her couch. So she drags that
to his apartment too while he sings.
"I'm a model, you know what I mean-"
Then Mik asks for the rest of her furniture.
"If I give you my furniture, will that be all?" says an
exhausted Nikita, thinking it will be worthwhile to sleep
on the floor to get rid of Mik.
"Almost, love," says Mik. "I'll just need your clothes,
your gun, and your wallet, and all your credit cards, and
maybe a few pints of your blood."
"Why, Mik?"
"Just pulling your chain, love," said Mik, leaving. "I'm
always borrowing things and you're so accomodating, so I
was just seeing how far I could go. See ya."
Nikita only gets halfway to bed before the buzzer rings
again. This time it's Carla. She's crying again about some
boyfriend.
Nikita consoles her, giving her a sisterly hugs, while
Carla surrepticiously plants bugging devices all over
Nikita's body, and finally concluding with a picture of a
bullseye that she plants on Nikita's back. Finally when
Carla has her good cry and leaves, Nikita reflects that
it's nice to have neighbors.
***********************
The next day Nikita is in Madeline's office.
"I notice you've been spending a lot of time with Jurgen,"
said Madeline. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
"Are yew spying on me?" Nikita asked.
Madeline opens a cabinet labeled "Nikita" and opens it up
to reveal videotapes with many different labels such as
"Exercising nude", "Lunch with Carla", "Going to the
bathroom 4/21", "Making love to Michael Part 15", and more.
"Why?" Nikita asked.
Madeline gave her trademark single blink. "Here in section
we don't have much of a life of our own, so we have to live
through yours." She added, "We want you to keep away from
Mik."
"Why? He's harmless."
"He's a spy for Center," said Madeline. "And we want you to
keep away from Carla. She's a spy for Adrian."
"Is EVERYONE I encounter on the outside a spy?"
"You occasionally make smalltalk with the clerk in your
local supermarket," Madeline continued. "You shouldn't do
that; he's a spy for red cell."
"Next thing you'll be saying is that the boy who delivers
my newspaper in the morning is also a red cell spy."
"He works for Bright Star," said Madeline, holding up a
file. "And your milkman works for Glass Curtain. Chances
anyone you say more than one word to on the outside is a
spy."
"Well, at least aye have Jurgen, he's sayfe to tawk too,"
said Nikita. Her eyebrows raised a notch when Madelina
came around the table, holding a gadget. She slowly ran it
over Nikita's body until she paused at her crotch, where
the device made beep-beeping sounds for a moment, until the
words "download complete" appeared on the screen.
"Whot was that all about?" Nikita demanded.
"Jurgen had some classified information we needed, but it
was always hidden in his crotch with a self destruct
attached," said Madeline. "We could never get safely to it,
until now."
"What... how...."
"We installed miniaturized scanning equipment in your
private parts so that when you got close enough to the
information, it would automatically download, while,
Jurgen was also downloading-"
"Aaarrrg!" said Nikita, running out of the office. She ran
straight to Michael's office. Glaring at him, he pressed a
few buttons on his keyboard.
Nikita said, "Before we begin our typically adversarial
taulk, aye always assumed that those buttons yew pressed
gave us priv-acy. But won tyme aye got a good look at that
side of the desk and awl aye saw was a small calculator."
"Yes," whispered Michael. "Every time you come in, I
attempt to calculate in advance how many words I'll need to
say to get through the conversation."
Nikita said,"You used me, Mikol!"
"Yes," said Michael. "Often we have to do things here that
we don't want to do. In fact, if they discover us doing
things we do want to do, they manipulate us to make us not
want to do it and then force us to do it so we will always
be doing things we do not want to." He paused, staring at
her. "Now that you are not attracted to me, I am attracted
to you. Would you like to go out for coffee?"
Nikita, shaking her head tearfully, left the office.
***************
Operations and Madeline watched on a screen in his office.
"All right, they're done, turn back to 'General Hospital',"
said Operations.
They were interrupted by a newcomer to the perch. "Enough
wasting of time."
They recognized their lastest Eastern European guest
immediately. It was Egan Petrosian. "I have been sent by
George to take over temporarily."
"To take over?" said Operations.
"George is very distressed that more than 50% of section
resources have been allocated to watching Nikita," said
Petrosian. "He has discovered that there is a mole inside
section, and since you are otherwise occupied, has put me
in charge of discovering the identity of this mole."
"You're in charge?" said Operations.
"Yes," said Petrosian. "And I want you to meet my new #2."
Nikita walks through the door.
*****************
After Petrosian has booted Operations and Madeline from the
Perch he said, "I am giving you a big chance, Nikita, but
you must be ruthless if you want to be my #2."
"Aye understand."
"For your first mission, I want you to take this swiss army
knife and interrogate the prisoner in the torture room."
"Yes," said Nikita.
"When you are done I want you to cut up his body into
little pieces with the knife, one bit at a time."
"Yes," said Nikita, still showing no reaction.
"Then I want you to eat at least three of the pieces, and
use four others to decorate your wall at home," said
Petrosian, still looking for a reaction.
But Nikita gave none. "I understand."
"Good. When you are done with that, I will think of new
ways to test your fear factor."
*****************
Madeline entered one of the torture rooms. She saw
Operations strapped to a chair.
"Paul! Did Petrosian....?"
"No," said Operations. "I had myself strapped in."
"Why?"
"I notice how you like to smile and flirt with your
interrogation subjects," said Operations. "I thought a
different setting might, well, get you in the mood."
"Paul, we don't have time for this," said Madeline. "We
have to have a plan for dealing with Petrosian."
"I do have a plan," said Operations.
"He undoubtedly has anticipated this and created a
counterplan."
"That's why I have a counter to his counterplan," said
Operations. "If necessary, I have a counter-counter-
counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter plan, so
whatever he tries to do, we'll end up looking smart."
*****************
Nikita left a torture room with bloody bits in a bag. She
ran into Michael. "Suddenly I feel attracted to yew again.
Want to go out with me?"
"No," said Michael, suddenly no longer feeling attracted to
Nikita since she was attracted to him. He left.
*****************
Nikita knew that Petrosian was out of control and had to be
stopped. She really needed to talk to Micheal. But where
did he live? She cracked into the files and was in for the
surprise of her life.
Michael was married! Not only was he married, but he was
married and had a child!
Nikita dug further. Not only was Michael married to a
woman, but he was married to three other women as well, and
he had children with each of them! Michael had over 20
children by four different women!
Michael suddenly appeared in front of her. "Yes," he said.
"Why, Mikol?" said Nikita, tears in her eyes. "Are they awl
missions for Section?"
"No," said Michael. "I just like women."
He paused. "Suddenly I feel attracted to you; would you
like to go back to your place for a sexy hand dance?"
"Suddenly since yew are attracted to me aye no longer feel
attracted to yew," said Nikita, turning away.
******************
"Very good, Nikita," said Petrosian. "Next I want you to
take your friend Walter, dip his private parts in liquid
nitrogen, and shatter them with a hammer."
"Why?"
"You must be ruthless to survive," said Petrosian. "Also,
he is the only person here who has balls, and we must fix
that."
"No one's doing anything," said Operations, suddenly
appearing with Madeline and George. George was wearing his
trademark rumpled trenchcoat.
"What?" said Petrosian.
"I found the mole," said Operations.
"Where?" said Petrosian.
"If I may?" said Operations, turning to George. George
nodded.
Operations took a tweaser and gently squeezed one of
George's larger moles. A sophsticated listening device came
out of it.
"There's your mole," said Operations.
"Well, that solves that," said George. He turned to
Operations. "Paul, I notice an excess of familiar faces here.
Let's thin out the overcrowding and schedule an abeyance mission, shall we?"
******************
Later, Nikita approaches Michael. "Suddenly, I feel
attracted to you again. Do you want to go out?"
"Sure," said Michael.
"What?" said Nikita, confused. This wasn't how it was
supposed to go. One was always supposed to pursue while the
other played hard to get.
"Wait, you're attracted to me now?" said Michael, blinking.
"Sorry, I didn't realize it was my turn to play hard to
get. No, I'm too busy."
"Ok," said Nikita, relieved.
Suddenly they were called in for a mission.
"We're looking for an explosives stockpile located in
Kansas," said Operations. "Nikita and Michael and a team
will go into a town crawling with Bright Star operatives
posing as EPA agents-"
Nikita raised her hand.
"Yes?"
"Deau yew really think aye can pass for an American ep-ay
agent?"
"Michael can do the speaking," said Operations.
"Yes," Michael whispered.
"Mikol only knauws about 20 words of Inglish!" said Nikita.
"When you locate the explosives stockpile, you are to
detonate it by lighting a match over it," said Operations.
"Take Jurgen, Petrosian, and several other expendables with
you." And then, as an afterthought. "Oh, and don't bother
to book roundtrip tickets; we'll handle your return booking
after the mission is done."
As they prepared for the mission Nikita hissed, "Mikol,
Operations is trying to kill us!"
"Yes," said Micheal.
"What shall we deau?"
******************
They reached the ammunition dump after a fierce battle with
Bright Star agents in which Jurgen, Petrosian and some
other expendables were killed. Michael prepared to light
the match which would detonate the explosives.
"No Mikol!" said Nikita, slithering close to him. He hugged
her back. Since they were both about to die this was one of
those rare times when they were both permitted to be
attracted to each other at the same time.
"Aye love yew," she said, to the fragrant tune of her
gentle signature piano music.
"Yes," said Michael blankly, holding the match. "Nikita, I
have a confession."
"Whot?"
"I say "yes" a lot in section," said Michael.
"Go on."
"But it's only special when I'm saying it to you," he
whispered.
"Oh Mikol!"
They hug even as Michael lights the match and tossed it
into the explosives.
There's a tremendous explosion. Everything within a mile is
blown into bits.
-except for the small patch of ground that Michael and
Nikita are standing on.
"Ready to goah?" said Nikita. "Don't forget, we promised to
pick up some black stockings for Madeline on the way back."
"Yes," said Michael, trying to remember where they had
parked.
THE END
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