**************** Hysterical La Femme Nikita Parody
Le Femme Nikita
[This story takes place sometime during the fourth season]
Operations and Madeline are in Madeline's office. Madeline is mowing the grass on the new lawn she had installed.
"Madeline," said Operations. "Which do you care more about, your plants, or me?"
"You don't really want an answer to that, do you Paul?" said Madeline, in a monotone. She continued mowing.
"I want to talk with you about a profile," he said, yelling to be heard over the mower.
"Go ahead," said Madeline, still mowing.
Operations whipped out his gun and fired three shots into the mower. The engine died.
"That's better," he said. "We have a situation."
"We always have a situation," said Madeline. "Typically, it involves sending Michael to blow up something in underground tunnels, or an abandoned building or a factory, or forcing Nikita to become a sex slave, or a seductress, or brainwashing her so she falls in love with-."
"Well, you're wrong," said Operations. "This mission is very different. Michael has to prevent an abandoned building from blowing up, and Nikita doesn't need to become a sex slave, only a stripper."
Ten minutes later, at the briefing, Operations keyed the holographic display. "This scruffy looking man is our latest Eastern European terrorist of the week. Michael, you have to prevent him from blowing up an abandoned building. Can you handle that?"
Michael, whispering: "Yes."
"Nikita, you have to go undercover as a stripper to lure one of his confederates out into the open. Madeline already has your wardrobe picked out."
Madeline hands Nikita a small triangular shaped washcloth.
Operations glares at them. "All the details will be on your panels in an hour. You leave in ten minutes."
Nikita discretely gets up and follows Michael.
"Whot's it awl about, Mikol?" she asks.
"What?" he whispers.
"Yew preventing a building from being blown aup, and me acting as a strippar rather than a sex slayve. Why the change in rutine? Do yew think anything's afoot?"
"No," Michael. His eyes flicked upwards to Operations, who was watching them.
"Can't yew evar say anything besides "yes" and "no" Mikol?"
"Yes," said Michael, turning away.
Nikita turns and glances up at the perk, to see Operations glaring at her. "He should get that look patented."
In the perch, Operations said, "Do you think they suspect?"
"No," said Madeline. "But do you really think its worthwhile letting Red Cell set them up to be killed?"
"Yes," said Operations. "If Red Cell kills them, they'll think we lost two of our best operatives, and they'll be lulled into complacency. ."
"If they are dead, we will have lost two of our best operatives," said Madeline.
"That's a risk we'll have to take," said Operations. He took at look at Madeline's black dress. "Is that a new black dress?"
"No," said Madeline. "It's the same one I wore yesterday, and the day before that. I only have one black dress, Paul. Occasionally for variety's sake I wear my black pants suit, but when you see me in the black dress, it's always the same one."
"Fascinating," said Operations. "We'll have to talk about it more in the tower, tonight."
"Paul, you've called me up to the tower so often that my ears are starting to pop," said Madeline.
Nikita goes to Walter.
"What's up, sugar?"
"I need to be fitted with the latest variety of nipple guns for my stripper outfit," said Nikita.
Walter goes to get the equipment while Nikita ponders.
"Walter? Do you notice anything different about Operations lately?"
Walter, thinking about it, shrugs.
"Or Mikol?"
"No."
"Or Birkoff or Davenport?"
"Honey, I'm so nearsighted I can't see the hand in front of my face," said Walter. He started to fit the guns on Nikita, then smacks his lips, looking around. "Have you seen my teeth anywhere?"
The mission goes smoothly for Nikita. She strips for a while, then spots her target, and uses her breast guns to wing him. When leather jacked escorts show up, she strangles them with her ponytail.
Michael runs into an ambush from the start--20 guys with machine guns. Michael kills them all with his pistol without reloading. He stands right out in the open, spinning around while firing with his eyes closed. Not a single bullet comes near him.
"It didn't work!" Operations raged, reading the report as he sat in his striped underwear in the Tower.
"Michael was very resourceful," said Madeline, looking characteristically calm in a dominatrix outfit.
"I want this done again, and I want this done right!" said Operations.
"Nikita too?"
"No," said Operations thoughtfully. "We'll reprogram her using the Sony mind control experiment."
"Mikol, we were embushed!" said Nikita later.
"Yes," Michael whispered.
"So, don't you care?"
"Yes," Michael whispered.
"Are you evar going to say anything else?" Nikita raged.
"Yes," Michael whispered, then, reconsidering, added "No."
Madeline interrogated their latest suspect. He had already resisted their most formidable torture--cutting a tiny horizontal line on each cheek.
"The pain must be tremendous, Mr. Ivanochenko," said Madeline. "It will get even worse, when you wear prescription glasses--the rims of the glasses will touch the cuts we made. If they get infected, they could get even worse. Are you ready to talk?"
The Eastern European terrorist of the week shook his head.
"Very well," said Madeline. She took out a small wooden stick. "Do you know what this is?"
The man didn't respond.
"This is the wooden stick I use to file down my nails when they get too long. The stick is very coarse. Do you know what would happen if I rubbed it against you?"
The man shook his head.
"I think you do. Your skin would get very irritated. But that's what I'm going to do; I'm going to run my stick against your hand, then your arms, then your legs, then your chest, and then the rest of your body until it all gets very, very red and irritated," said Madeline.
"No, no, I'll talk!" the man screamed.
Operations addressed the room. "The mission is twofold--Nikita, you will infiltrate a high-price prostitution ring and find our newest link to Red Cell."
"How will eye knauw who he is?"
"He's reputed to be very good in bed," said Operations. "You'll have to sleep with all the customers until you come across him. Michael, your mission will be to investigate some underground tunnels and shoot anyone you happen to see there. Chances are at least some of the victims you shoot will be Red Cell. Details will be on your panels. Also, Birkoff has uploaded a new version of "Tetris" to your panels as well."
Nikita and Michael go to pick up their weapons. Nikita picks up a gun and several rounds of ammo, but when Michael moves to do the same Walter stops him. "Sorry Michael, but only one clip for you."
"Why?" Michael asks.
"Ammunition shortage. Operations says we have budget cutbacks, and have to conserve ammo."
"But Nikita took four clips," said Walter.
"Yes, well, Operations let her have more because she's a bad shot," said Walter. As they leave he says, "Don't forget to look up at the perch before you leave!"
They look up at they go out. Operations is there, glaring at them.
Michael is again ambushed in the dark tunnels by members of Red Cell. He runs out of ammo early on, but takes on the other terrorists, who are all armed with submachine guns, by using his patented French ballet karate moves.
Nikita starts working at the brothel but gets bored quickly. "How come eye olways have to be the won to strip down?" she grumbles, getting ready for the next customer.
Nikita turns her back as the door opens, making it number ten for the day. "Ol be with you in a moment, mistar," she says, not even seeing herself shot in the back with a tranquilizer dart.
Nikita wakes up inside a rotating machine where she's strapped down. "Whot's happening? Whot's going on?"
"You can't pretend to be innocent now, Nikita," said Madeline. "We know all about you and Michael."
"Whot?"
"We know that you've been making out with Michael. That's not permitted."
"But you sent me to be a prostitute in this brothel!"
"That's was for a mission. But we don't tolerate sleeping around with the hired help," said Madeline, holding something that looked like a TV remote control. The sides of the machine started to move. "Don't worry, when you wake up you won't worry about that or anything else again."
When they get back to section Michael says, "Nikita? Where were you?" He whispers. "We were supposed to make out in the broom closet on level eight, but you never showed up."
"Sorry-I-was-too-busy," said Nikita.
Michael grabbed her arm. "Nikita, is something wrong?"
"Whot-makes-you-awsk-that?"
"For one thing, you're speaking like a robot with hyphens between each word," said Michael. "For another, you haven't blinked in the past ten minutes."
Operations glared down at them from the perch. "She's totally programmed now?"
"Yes," said Madeline.
"But what if we need her to act like a human, if we need to send her out to be a stripper or prostitute again?"
"I have this," said Madeline, holding up the TV remote control. "I have many different channels I can set her to--obedient robot assassin, demure love slave, humble Australian ponytail girl--"
Operations started to wonder if it wouldn't be worthwhile to put Madeline under the Sony process so he could have such a remote control for her too. But more important tasks were at hand. "What about Michael? He's still alive."
"Next time he won't be," said Madeline. "We'll send him out without any weapons at all."
"We need the location of the abandoned building, Mr. Ivanovski," said Madeline, looking calmly at the man strapped to the chair. He sweated profusely and looked nervous. Madeline wheeled a tray table into view. On the table was a large cage filled with giant rats. She brought the cage close to him. The rats squeaked wildly.
"Do you know what these are?" she said, bringing the rats close so he could see them.
The man shuddered but didn't respond.
"Giant rats," said Madeline. "If you don't talk, do you know what I'm going to have to do?"
The man shook his head.
"I'm going to have you feed them, and change their litter box. And you'll keep feeding them and changing their litter box until you talk." She turned to leave--
"No, no!" he screamed from behind. "Anything but monotonous pet care!"
"Michael, your mission is to destroy this abandoned building," said Operations, showing the holographic image on the screen. "Intel reports that this empty building may be an important Red Cell substation."
"But the place is all wired," said Birkoff. "Any weapons would be detected. So you'll have to go in without weapons," he added, looking at Operations who nodded slightly.
"No weapons," Michael asked.
"Don't worry," said Operations. "I'll have Davenport waiting outside with a gun in case you need backup." He winked conspicuously at Davenport. "Do you understand?"
"Yes," Michael whispered.
Life continued in section while they waited to hear the results of the mission. Madeline was busy interrogating another prisoner.
"Mr. Chernenkovski, you've resisted our best torture so far," she said. "But we have something that will surely break you."
"Never, I will never talk," he said fiercely, spitting blood.
"You may notice that we have taped your eyelids open, so you can't close them or look away," said Madeline. "We know from your profile how you hate to look at ugly things. Mr. Birkoff, Walter, come in please."
Birkoff and Walter come in, looking slightly bewildered.
"Birkoff, Walter, remove your clothes, please," said Madeline.
"What?" said Birkoff.
"All items of clothing, please."
By the time they had gotten to their underwear the terrorist was ready to be broken. "No, no wait! I'll talk, I'll tell you anything you want to know!" the terrorist screamed.
Meanwhile, Michael entered receiving, followed by wave of unfamiliar looking black jacketed men. Before they knew it, the black jacketed men were opening fire, shooting many of the expendible hulks. Operations and the less expendible members of section were taken prisoner and herded into a small corner.
"Surrender," Michael whispered.
"You're working for red cell," said Madeline.
"Nikita, kill!" said Operations, pressing a button on his remote control.
Nikita woodenly aimed a pistol at Michael.
Michael pressed a button on a remote. Nikita slumped and said, "Whot's going on?"
"I jammed your remote," said Michael.
"I have a counter jammer!" said Operations, pressing another device.
Nikita became wooden again and raised the gun.
Michael pressed another button, and Nikita was released again.
"I have a counter counter jammer," said Michael.
"We anticipated that," said Madeline, pressing another control.
Nikita immediately became sultry and started to crawl up Birkoff's leg.
"Sorry, wrong button," said Madeline, pressing something else.
Nikita immediately became expressionless and raised her gun again. But before she could fire Michael did, shooting her dead.
"You shot her!" said Operations. "You actually shot Nikita!"
Michael looked down at the body expressionlessly. Reaching down, he pulled of Nikita's facemask to reveal another agent. "Not Nikita."
"Really?" said Madeline, also bending down. She pulled at the face of the dead operative to reveal another face mask, under which was... Nikita!
Michael paused a moment, then reached down again and pulled at the face, revealing that it was still another face mask for another agent. "Not Nikita!" he said.
"Any more face masks?" Operations inquired hopefully.
Madeline shook her head.
"But where's the real Nikita?" Birkoff asked.
"I'm hear," said one of the Red Cell soldiers, taking off his face mask to reveal Nikita's luscious locks.
"You're both working for Red Cell," said Operations. He gave a whistle. Suddenly, a new squad of soldiers appeared behind the Red Cell operatives. They were led by George. "Drop your weapons!"
"Good work, Paul," said George, his moles twitching as he scratched a mustard stain on his rumpled trenchcoat. He watched the others being disarmed.
"A trap," said Nikita. "You were just trying to draw us out!"
"Yes," said Operations, smiling.
"But we killed a lot of people in section today," said Nikita. "Did you really plan that?"
"They were all abeyance operatives," said Operations. "George, you can cancel the others, but would you mind if I electrocuted Nikita myself?"
"Stop!" came another voice. Mik Schoppel entered, with another squad of guards who disarmed George's guards.
"About tyme," said Nikita.
"Mik? What are you doing here?" said Operations.
"I'm not Mik, I'm Mister Jones," said the bald, rapidly blinking Mik. "This was a plan by Nikita and Michael to help us capture all these Red Cell operatives."
"Clever!" Said Operations. "You lured them all here so we could capture and interrogate them. That means Michael and Nikita are innocent."
"No they're not!" said a British guy hobbling on a cane, accompanied by a new wave of guards who disarmed the previous ones. "I'm the real Mr. Jones, and they are all working for Red Cell! They just wanted to get your guard down! By the way, I'm also Nikita's father!"
Nikita raised her gun and shot Mr. Jones, just as another wave of soldiers entered and disarmed everyone.
"You shot the real Mr. Jones!" said Operations.
"Noah," said Nikita. She sauntered over to the body, pulling off the facemask, to reveal an anonymous dead person.
"Then where is the real Mr. Jones?" Operations asked.
Nikita went over to Birkoff, pulling off his facemask, revealing the old British features of the real Mr. Jones.
"How did you know?" said Mr. Jones.
Nikita looked down at his body. "The real Birkoff doesn't weigh 180 pounds."
"I see," said Operations. "This was a clever plan on your part to bring the imposter Jones out into the open."
"Yeah, whatevar," said Nikita. She grabbed Michael by the hand, started to head to the exit.
"Where are you going?" said Mr. Jones.
"When yew finally figure out who's doing whot to whom, let us knauw. Meanwhile, Mikol and I are going to make out in the sailboat. Right, Mikol?"
Michael, expressionless, "Yes."
"Come on, Michael, for once in your life, say something else besides "Yes" or "no" in that mock whisper of yours," they heard Nikita's voice, now at a distance. "C'mon, say something else!"
Before the door slammed shut behind them they heard Michael's voice, saying "Chosezpheen."
THE END
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