PARODY: The search for Odo's nose, Part I
Station log, supplemental. A Binar freighter
containing an illicit supply of widgits has just
docked with the station, and I must make a
decision as to what to do. It seems every day
becomes more and more trying. I recently voiced my
misgivings with Starfleet, but they assured me
that I was entirely adequate for the job.
"We cannot let the Binars go on," said Major
Kira. "That's clearly a substandard supply of
widgets."
"I've talked to their Captain, 011110, and he
let me have a look at them," said O'Brien. "They
look all right to me."
"Chief, they're grey!"
"So?"
"According to Pejorative rules of commerce,
general purpose widgets, and I quote, 'are to be
pink, or any shade lighter thereof'."
"What?" said O'Brien, in disbelief.
"Are you ridiculing Pejorative rules?" said
Kira. "And, by extension, Pejor, and Pejoratives
themselves? You federation types-"
"Calm yourself, Major," said Odo. "You're
having a persecution attack again."
Kira took a deep breath. "Am I? All right,
all right." She turned to Sisco. "Commander,
what are we going to do?"
Sisco stared wordlessly at her.
"Commander, we have to make a decision."
Sisco continued to stare.
"Decision. As in, do something," said Kira.
"Make words. You know, sounds with your mouth."
Sisco looked around. There was no getting
out of it. He would have to say something.
"Handle it, Major."
"What?"
"I've think I've said enough on the subject."
He turned his chair away, to face the star field.
O'Brien sighed. Well, at least they had
gotten two sentences out of him this time.
Later, in her quarters, Kira studied her face
in front of the mirror. Her hair was growing
longer--another inch, and it would be touching the
tip of her ears again. Sighing, she lifted
phaser, adjusting the setting for short bursts.
But then she heard a beep at the door, and she put
down the phaser. "Come," she said.
It was Dax. "I'm here to return your skin
cream," she said. "Thanks. It really helps to
cover up my reptile spots." She turned to go.
"By the way, I heard you let the Binar ship go."
"What?" said Kira. "I gave no such order."
Immediately, she struggled to get her uniform
on. She grunted as she attempted to get her
skintight trousers over her legs. "Uuuuh....
uhhhh.."
"Maybe it would help if it weren't two sizes
too small," Dax observed.
"Three sizes!" Kira grunted, as she finally
pulled her trousers up. "That's Pejorative
custom. Maybe you're making fun of Pejor style.
That's like making fun of Pejor itself, and
Pejoratives-"
"Ok, ok," said Dax, wrapping one hand to
cover her ears, the other around her belly.
Meanwhile, in Sisco's quarters....
"Jake? Jake?" said Sisco.
"Yeah, Dad?" The young lad came out of his
bedroom, looking sullen.
"What's wrong, Jake?"
"The other kids are making fun of me," said
Jake.
"Now where did I put my combadge?" said
Sisco, looking around for it. He turned to Jake.
"Making fun of you? Because we're from the
Federation? Jake, I-"
"No, it's these skintight gaudy colored
jumpsuits. All the guys give me a ribbing about
them. Must I always wear beam-me-downs from
Wesley Crusher?"
"Jake...."
"And Grog keeps asking me, "Do all U-mans
constantly wear clothes for space aerobics?"
"Son, if Grog ribs you about your clothes,
then he's not really your friend-" Sisco kept
looking. "Where is my combadge?"
"Grog is my friend," Jake said defensively.
"Here it is," said Sisco, picking up his
combadge. "Jake... what was my combadge doing in
your closet?"
"I don't know," said Jake uncomfortably.
"Young man," said Sisco deeply.
"Well... yeah, I took it... but it's all
right."
"All right?"
"The seventh rule of acquisition. Finder's
keepers." Jake turned. "Anyway, I got to go.
Grog's expecting me."
"I don't know... I think Grog is a bad
influence on you."
"No he isn't, U-man. I mean, Dad. Anyway,
we're going to go now and watch the Andorian
freighter come in."
"You are?" Sisco's face brightened. "What
for?"
"They have an interesting shipment of
Denebian fertilizer coming in."
"Denebian what?...." Sisco suddenly
brightened. "I know," he said, getting a sly
smile on his face.
"Oh, not that again," said Jake, knowing what
was coming.
"You're going to watch the girls," said
Sisco.
"Dad, you've got the wrong idea."
"You're going to watch the girls," said
Sisco.
"Dad, Andorian women have antennae-"
"My little Jake is growing up-"
Jake fled out the door.
|
