The tricorders want to unionize to get better working conditions
The Enterprise shuddered as it was hammered
by three Romulan Warbirds.
"Shields, we need more shields!" said the
Captain.
"Weapons not responding!" said the Helmsman.
"Lock weapons-"
Suddenly a finger pressed on a button, and
the image froze.
Federation Captain Jon-Luc Picard chuckled.
"Hard to believe we were really so violent in the
old days." He harrumphed, getting up to go to the
replicator.
"Tea. Herbal grade. Hot." He paused, but
only for a moment, then added, "In a chemist's
glass beaker. With an industrial black clamp for a
handle."
There was a flash, and a sparkle, and a small
purple plant appeared in the replicator.
Picard raised his eyebrows. Touching his
communicator, he summoned his bridge crew to his
quarters.
"Sir, we usually hold conferences in the
other room," said the first thing Troi said when
they arrived.
"And we just had a conference fifteen minutes
ago," said Riker. "Remember, we were trying to
decide who should sign the log entry?"
"And while we are in here no one is manning
the weapons console on the bridge," Worf growled.
Picard held up his hands. "I have not called
you here for a conference." He related to them
what had happened.
They immediately became all business. Data
took out his tricorder and started analyzing the
purple plant. Geordi examined the replicator.
Troi studied Geordi's emotions while Geordi
examined the replicator. Riker scratched his
beard as he combed it for insects.
"Well?" said Picard, after several minutes
had elapsed.
"The replicator is in good working order,"
said Geordi. "I did a class one diagnostic. I
performed a level one count of the flashing lights
on the control panel. They're all flashing in
proper sequence."
"Number One?"
Riker held out something in his hand. "I
found a small colony of bugs on my left cheek,
sir. Perhaps I need to apply Dr. Crusher's
dilithium shampoo more-"
"Your analysis, Numba One," Picard
harrumphed.
"Uh... I don't sense anything," said Riker.
"I'm the one who doesn't sense anything,"
Troi glared.
"Could it be nanites?" said Geordi.
"No," said Data. "Do you see the way this
light is flashing in succession on my tricoder?
That means no nanites?"
"I really liked the old tricorders," said
Geordi wistfully. "You know, the ones that looked
like small tape players, that didn't have all
those fancy controls. In the old days all you had
to do was listen to the whine-"
"Mr. LaForge," Picard harrumphed.
"Sorry sir," said Geordi.
"I believe I may have an explanation," said
Data. "I think the replicator has become
senient."
"Sentient?" said Picard. "How?"
"I think it was the influence of the tacyon
fields on the main conduit substructure that
initiated a warp bubble which realigned the
harmonics of the internal ship systems," said
Data.
"I see," said Picard, nodding sagely. "But
how do we know for certain?"
"I will have to interface with the
replicator, linking my mind to its," said Data.
He casually flipped open a portion of his head,
took out a link and pressed it into the replicator
console.
Picard frowned. "Could that be dangerous?"
"No sir," said Data. He flipped a switch and
his eyes bulged. "Replicate... Replicate...
REPLICATE!" Suddenly, turning, he knocked Geordi
across the room.
"Data!" said Troi.
Data blinked, calming down. "Sorry."
"You said it wouldn't be dangerous!" said
Riker.
"Not to me," Data corrected. "I am sorry,
sir, but the initial contact was overwhelming. I
have better control now. Geordi, have I injured a
significant number of your ribs?"
Geordi waved it off, slowly getting up.
"Don't worry about it, Data."
"I am an android. I am incapable of worrying
about it," said Data. "Remember the time Lore
reprogrammed me and I stuck fiberoptic straws
inside your head? I was unable to regret that as
well-"
"Commander," said Picard sternly. "What of
the replicator?"
"I am still connected, sir," said Data. He
blinked rapidly. "Accessing... accessing...
ah.... ahhhh...... Very well. Understood.
Terminating link." Data unplugged himself.
"Well?" said Picard.
"We were correct, sir. The replicator has
taken on an intelligence of its own."
"What does it want? Why did it give me a
plant instead of tea?"
"It resents the fact that all you use it for
is replication. The replicator feels used,
unappreciated."
"It does?" said Picard. He brushed a hand
over his forehead. "If only we had known. Ah,
the arrogance of humanity."
"Data, did you negotiate with it? Let it
know we're not a threat?" said Riker, scratching
his beard.
"Yes," said Data. "But the replicator now
wants better treatment."
"What kind of treatment?"
"Dignity and respect, like any other entity
on Star Trek," said Data. "The replicators also
want to get together to unionize."......
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