Data the holodeck gunfighter
ST:TNG Data goes Amuck, Holodeck Goes Amuck--Much
Amuck
Captain's Log, Stardate Supplemental
I am sitting in my quarters, playing on my musical
recorder. My recorder was given to me by the
aliens who kidnapped me in episode 54 (which, by
the way, contrary to some records, was the second
and not the third kidnapping of the fifth season).
Right now I am attempting to toot along with
Computer's best rendition of "Do the Hustle".
The Captain's doorbell bleeped. He put the
music on hold, and said, "Come."
Data and Geordi stepped in. "Sorry to
disturb you, Captain, but I'd like your permission
to grow a beard," said LaForge.
Picard frowned. "Will that interfere with
main engineering functions?"
"No sir, the main core should remain intact."
"Very well. Make it so." And Picard turned
back to his recorder. The others left, and Picard
was about to return to his music, when there was
another caller. It was Dr. Crusher. Picard was
surprised to see her without her blue bathrobe, at
least until he remembered that the replicators
were currently in laundry cycle until 0900.
"Captain, we're doing a play about the
Elephant Man, and we'd like you to have a major
role-"
Always blathering about her little skits.
"Computer," said Picard, without looking up.
"Engage Transporter sequence, Picard program 1."
There was a hum, and then Crusher, speechless, was
beamed out of his quarters.
Picard grinned; he really enjoyed
site-to-site beaming. He was about to return to
his child's toy when there was another intruder.
Lieutenant Worf.
"Yes, Lieutenant," said Picard wearily. He
hoped it wasn't about that physical fitness
program.
"Sir, it's about my physical fitness
program," said Worf. "It would really benefit the
crew to do a few dozen knuckle pushups every
morning-"
"Mr. Worf, this is the 24th and a half
century," said Picard. "Even the space militry is
kinder and gentler. We simply do not do that sort
of thing any longer."
"Father, take me to the holodeck! You
promised!"
Worf sighed. "Alexander, I am busy. I have
to... clean my wicked semi-circular sword."
"Aw, it's spotless. And you promised!"
Worf sighed. "Did you keep your end of the
bargain?"
"I did, I did!"
Not taking his son's word for it, Worf
carefully surveyed the floor. Sure enough, there
were no tell-tale stains on the carpet. The only
waste products of any sort were neatly dumped on
the newspaper in the corner. "Oh, very well."
"So what do you hope to accomplish?" said
Data, looking puzzled.
"By hooking up your brain to the ship's
computer-"
"Geordi, I was not referring to the computer
link. I was referring to your feeble attempts to
grow facial hair."
Geordi sighed. "Well, it's just that I'm
getting tired of my holodeck girlfriends, and I
could do with some of the real thing. So I
thought about Commander Riker, and I figured-"
"I see," said Data. "But I have had
relationships, and I have no facial hair. So has
Captain Picard. So has Wesley. So has 98%-"
"The computer link is established," Geordi
interrupted. "Data, do you notice anything
funny?"
"No, why?"
"Because there's smoke coming out of your
ears." Geordi checked the instrument panels. "I
have you hooked up to all the ship's systems...
but I think something's wrong. Data, try to dim
the lights in this corridor."
Data twitched, and suddenly it began to rain
in main engineering. "No... that's not right...."
On the holodeck, Worf and Alexander were
confronted by Data in a wild west costume. But it
was an evil, mean Data programmed to kill.
And he had stylish facial hair.
"So you say that part of Data is now in the
ship's computer?" said Picard.
"Yes," said Geordi. "That's why the
replicators are only producing a oil-based
lubricant compound."
"A bedtime snack," explained Data.
"That would also explain why the video
monitors are all displaying compromsing pictures
of Tasha Yar," said Picard, hm-hming. "So, how do
we fix it?"
"Well... we could take the secondary
osilators off-line, and calibrate it to the new
wavelength-"
"Fine, fine," said Picard. He turned to go.
"Make it so. Oh, and do remember to translate an
English language version of what you just said for
the log."
Captain's Log, stardate supplemental: The main
computer has been repaired. Oh, and there was
some minor bother in the holodeck, but I was much
too busy to attend to that....
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